Welcome to the New Year: Get Money, Fuck Bitches

As the new year rolls in, reflections upon the past 365 days are abound. Thoughts of missed opportunities, personal triumphs, and failed aspirations swim through one's mind as the clock ticks away towards the end of our lives. As the time for new resolutions is upon us we must ask ourselves: What do we consider our greatest achievements? What are our most basic inspirations? Why, money and women, of course. It goes without saying that these two go hand in hand. Wherever the money goes, that's where you'll find the women. Honestly, how else is Akon getting any hoes? He has to be the ugliest motherfucker in the world. Why is this is? Because society has taught women to lust after fame, fortune, and the almighty dollar. It was not by coincidence that the great sociological observer Lil' Wayne ordered Sacs everywhere to "Get Money, Fuck Bitches", in that order specifically. But what is a poor Sac to do? The ones who don't have daddy's credit card, live day to day on their meager salaries, and scrape the bottom of the McDonald's bag for crumbs. Fortunately for men everywhere, the kind of leech-women who are only attracted by the money are not wifey-material. They are only good for one thing: fucking. Plain and simple. This is not to say, however, that we should reject such filthy creatures when opportunity knocks on our headboards. We can consider these women as pure entertainment; target practice, if you will.

I'd like to take this moment to ask some open-ended questions about women for us to ponder and perhaps gain some insight to during the year 2008.

1- Why does there seem to be only extremes in personality types? Girls are either too skanky, too conservative, or just plain psychos (majority).

2- Why do women enjoy guido-idiots who are obviously extremely concerned about their image by the way they act, dress, speak and spend their time fixing the aforementioned.

3- What the fuck is up with the new hairless craze? Should Sacs be forced to shed all body hair in an attempt to have womanly-soft skin? NEIGH I SAY! May my legs and ass remain plentiful in their natural fuzz.

4- Why are there no funny girls? If i met a girl that could make me sincerely laugh at least once a day, I'd be set.

5- Are steady tits the way of the future? Like G.Q. Black once said, a relationship is like having an open tab, and personally, I'm not made of money. So ladies, get ready for many movie nights at the crib. 

The 'R' Word

The 'R' word. A dreaded 12 letter killer of polygamistic dreams and hopes. The embodiment of attraction significance, an emblem of validation, the nightmare that is: relationships.

...but is it really so bad?

That is what I debate here today, the Pros and Cons of being locked down.

So what does it really mean anyway?

Are ships of relation truly buoyant, or are they all doomed to flounder when battered by the seas of nagging and jealousy? The great philosopher Snoop Dogg once treatised that "bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks." However, in the rare instance that they actually fill some psychological void and actually ::gasp:: make us smile, do we risk missing out on other potential hookups by actually not 86ing them?

This is always a controversial topic.

The debate commences with the most obvious tenet: steady tits vs diverse tits.

Steady vs. Diverse Tits

As a man, nothing is as encumbering as being forced to do something. I'm a man, I fuckin' do what I want, fuck you. Right? Wrong. Let's be real. Women run shit. As women like to claim, Pussy Runs It. Sadly, we have to shake our heads in agreement. This begs the question: do you settle for tits when it promises to be there like a loyal puppy, or do you risk everyday poon poon by hoping that you can eat off the proverbial Denny's Sampler of females? The final verdict comes to this: if you can pull women easily, go with the latter. I personally know only a handful of "true" pimps who can literally at least number close one girl per night, whether it be at a club, bar or restaurant. On the other hand, if you can land a solid draft pick in the first round, with a Pro Bowl caliber offense, stick with the blue chipper. If her defense is her primary trademark, evasive maneuvers! She'll be bitching at you constantly, will question your motives for even speaking to other women and overall, your life will suck exponentially more.

Social Life Constraints

The biggest turn off for many men who are pondering whether or not to enter a relationship becomes the inability to continue a normal social life. No more traveling in packs hunting wounded animals at bar closing hours, no more drinking with the buddies and playing poker. Your nights will no longer revolve around the most important: you. In fact, you no longer become the most important person, your significant other does. The "coolness" level of your SO is the decisive factor in determining how far your social life will plummet. If she is an overall "cool" chick, expect a gradual decline in social life that will be assuaged by a subsequent increase in sexual activity. This will cause a gradient beneficial to the man. If your woman is less cool, but not a complete scumbag, expect equilibrium: tits for tats, literally. It will be a continual game of push-pull, an early enrollment into the Sacrifices for Sex program. Last, but not least, is code Red: the controlling woman. The C dub has the most effect on on men with the least amount of exertive influence. With mere mentions and snide remarks, the controlling woman can wreak havoc on her boo's social life. From the death stare when you guys hang out with your buddies to the bored look at dinner, controlling tits want to do just that: control. They want to choose everything, they want you to bend like a fucking palm branch and they expect you to just drop all your shit and follow them. Look, I'll drop some nets to follow Jesus but I'm certainly not dropping my XBox for a CDub.

The Friend Approvals

You can't look like a pussy in front of your friends, Man Law prohibits it. One must always act like a baller when with one's significant other in front of manly acquaintances. You run shit...you regulate, not her. Being in a relationship undermines the fuck out of all of our macho tendencies. You cant say you run shit when you jut spend a month's rent money on a diamon ring. You certainly don't regulate when you're in the movies watching "The Notebook"instead of "Transformers." Friends will notice and will ride you about being a pany. Its common. Once again, it comes down to whether or not the positive aspects of the girl outweighs the negative repercussions of manly derision.

For all its worth, the 'R' word has never maintained a positive image amongst the male population. Too many guys with commitment issues maintain a fair distance away from any long term involvement with women. If she gets pissed about you missing a dinner reservation that she did a month ago, imagine how much you'll suffer when you forget the anniversary.....

Ouch.

Douchebags and the Women Who Love Them

That right there my friends, is a douchebag. Perfect example of the kind of asshole that alienates normal men and attracts clueless women everywhere.

For some reason, there are a number of guys out there who think this------->
is acceptable on any level. However, to each his own, right? I don't care if you want to wear your faggoty double pink shirts. Go ahead and get your orange suntan with your Dolce Gabbana sunglasses.

But I absolutely hate it when girls fawn over guys who are prettier than them. Not only does guidoism/douchebaggery reek of insecurity and lack of any individualism, but those who resort to these lifestyles tend to be assholes.

My colleagues have discussed this aforementioned phenomenon. Women love these idiots. Read "The Game" and you'll recognize it as cocky-funny. Girls get all wet for the dumbest jokes and semi-perverted jabs that target the guido prey. Nothing is sexier than a plastered frat boy in an Abercrombie shirt and cargo shorts who probably couldn't spell the brand of his shirt even when sober.

Here's a lesson for the ladies: stop wiping your boyfriends' puke off the floor and turn around. That group of guys behind you shaking their heads? Yeah, those guys dressed like normal people (GQ Black is an exception because he simply rolls that hard)? Those guys have everything to offer you, but your minds are clouded by the innate weaknesses of the female mind.

My two theories on why women love assholes are these: 1) they secretly wish to fix these guys. They have a sixth sense of motherly affection that wants to nurture lost causes. They want everyone to look and see "Look at him. He used to be X, Y, and Z before she came around and tamed him." Maybe it's the motherly effect, or maybe it's a need to prove dominance over a member of the other gender, who knows.

My other theory is that women get bored of life if they don't have any problems. They LOVE to complain about their issues. I'll write a longer post on this one day, but women, all of them, they swear their problems are worthy to be discussed by some UN tribunal. Dating some nice guy who really doesn't do anything wrong most of the time isn't fun. But the guys who constantly screw up but do just enough to keep you around, that gives you something else to talk about with your girlfriends, and something else to burden your nice guy friends with. God forbid if 90% of women have anything more to talk about than their problems or Paris Hilton's latest escapades.

86.

A Treatise on Womanly Ambivalence: A 21 Year Old Study

Women have long countered manly advances with heavy skepticism. Any approach by any man usually results in an Ackbarian "Its a trap!" scenario. Whether at a get together, in a club or during a familiar event, women are constantly on "Red Alert." Many stories have emerged in recent years about psycho bitches tearing someone up for even offering to buy them a drink. Women are constantly thinking that we want to get in their pants. That's only half right. We want to get in their pants after we connect with them on a physical and emotional level. To them, however, fuck all that. If you have a dick, you want to slap them with it. It is your sole and primary goal in life. So in the end, the nice guys are shot down but the assholes are retained. Observe:

Scenario 1

Man (in approach): "Hey how are you.. I saw you from the upper level... you're beautiful. I was wondering if I could......
Woman (in disgust): "RAPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
Man (86ing): "Bitch please. Fuck yo couch. I skeet on yo' eye!"

Scenario 2

Asshole Man (in approach): "Hey hoe. I wrote you a song: Roses are red, violets are blue, lets go eat spaghetti and get busy. I wanna see them titties bitch!"
Woman (flashing): "My prince charminggggggggggggg!!!!"

There is an absolute dichotomy on womanly attraction.

Oh what's that? I treat you right, I'm an intelligent graduate student aspiring to be a doctor, I am the utmost gentleman with you, I want to actually build a meaningful relationship, I want to meet your parents and I want to make love to you in a romantic setting? For you only to say: "Umm no thank you. I'll pass. I'm gonna stick with Option B....sure he hits me, verbally abuses me, is unemployed and smokes crack rocks, but he's sooooooo cuteeeeee tee hee"

You know what... fuck yo couches, ladies.

A Word On Jailbait

Admiral Ackbar: My Hero

MARRIAGE?

ITS A TRAP!

RELATIONSHIPS?

ITS A TRAP!

"NO, IM FINE"

ITS A TRAP!

"I WANT YOU TO MEET MY PARENTS"

ITS A TRAP!

What We Are Not...

No seriously, we are who you think we are (if you understood this reference, I commend you, your sac is large). This fuck to the right? That is what we are not. Are you kidding me? If you somehow stumbled upon this page for Guido Tutorials, 86. Oh yeah, we use a lot of terminology that you won't understand....but that you eventually will. 86 guidos. 86 whiny bitches. Ladies, if you like guys like this -->

86.

Attention Fellow Sacs:

The first meeting of the Saconians has commenced. I am writing to welcome you into a common brotherhood. As members of this tribe we must join forces for a like cause: Vagina-- it is the ultimate prize. This fellowship has been created for the sharing of Sacly experiences, techniques, and general information. With over 80 years of combined knowledge, the forefathers of the Saconian tribe will divulge the secrets to vaginal nirvana. The cost to join such a covert yet successful group? One must search for and watch a video-- The BME Pain Olympics-- in order to fully realize the consequences of relinquishing ones sac. Farewell, and may your sac hang heavy.

-Sacmaster Funk

Testing

Skeet skeeeeeeeeeeeeet.