First Penis Syndrome: A Case Study

Throughout our years of observation and field testing, we Saconians have developed a working theory on the female psyche and its infection with a disease known as FPS. First Penis Syndrome is a medical mystery: a malady which affects the mental and physical health of young women everywhere. The cause, you ask? Peenorrz. Yes gentlemen, the cause of such a dreadful disease comes directly from our sacly brethren: our man meat. Let us follow along on a typical FPS-inducing scenario:

1- Little Johnny and Susie begin courtship ceremonies.

2- Johnny is in it for the penile pleasure. Susie believes Johnny and herself are in "love".

3- Johnny inserts penis into Susie.

4- Hormonal signals immediately dedicate a portion of Susie's unconscious brain to   the strapping down of Johnny for marriage.

5- Johnny realizes he can penetrate other vaginas and breaks it off with Susie.

6- Susie becomes irrational, irate, and downright unpredictable in her life quest to regain the first penis that entered.

Now that FPS has been recognized as an official disease in the S.J.M.  (Saconian Journal of Medicine), we must take great care not to spread this awful epidemic. We will add the results of our in-depth field tests after ADD Avenger completes his study.

Other pertinent issues:

1- Women not appreciating when men spend their money to take them out. It's bullshit. A simple thankyou is all it takes. 

$45 dinner + $18 movie tickets + $10 movie snacks + $ unknown amount of gas money to pick them up= at least a fucking thankyou bitches.

2- What happened to women at least faking that they want to pay for stuff? Maybe just a little reach for their purse so I can say "Don't worry I got it". But no. Not even a flinch. Fuck your equal rights, hoe.

3- Either pay or put out. It's pretty simple really.

4- If I'm paying for the fucking $50 candy at the movies, I'm picking it out, skank.

5- /rant

Have a fruitful and jolly holiday!